markofthebrave | [ Action, Written ] .052

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[ Action, Written ] .052

[Filtered 100 percent AWAY from: Sokka, Toph, Zuko, Yue, Suki, Shikamaru, Chouji, Ino, Shino, Naruto, Sasuke, Itachi, Trafalgar, Nami, Sanji, Luffy, Chopper, and anyone else she thinks might recognize her handwriting, despite the pains she's going to in order to disguise it, or show the journal to people she really doesn't want to see this - Raine and Temari and Iroh.

All replies will be written unless stated otherwise. The camera is obscured by a wrapped around piece of brown cloth.]

Do you think that there's such a thing as a power that is wrong, not because of how it's used, but just because of what it does?

[After staying holed up in her room with the door shut - quite an unusual break of habit for her - Katara decides to head into town. She wants to check out that night club that she'd heard about - she heard there would be music!

From there it's the usual errands, like the grocery store and the Item Shop. Dinner tonight will be Something Spicy, but she hasn't figured out what yet. Maybe it'll help get Sokka out of his funk.]

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[That... is not a denial.

She's struck by a strange desire to cover it up - quite the contrary to the way she was feeling when she'd asked Trafalgar about this all those months ago. But she knew that Shikamaru would want to know, if he knew. Which he does. She is suddenly very certain of this. She just hopes it doesn't ruin the friendship and respect between the two of them.]

I'm only telling you this because I asked if I could. [She wants that out there, for the record.] He wants me to let him know if I do, and I promised I'd tell him, so I'll do that too. Trafalgar told me. He overheard Itachi and his brother arguing about it. [Slight hesitation.] He was also the one who told me that he thought you'd learned it about the same time he did.

[Don't try to lie to me. I'm not sure I could bare that.]

[There's no point in lying about something like that, once the truth is out. It'd just make things more troublesome. After several seconds, Shikamaru nods once, slow.

He'd been afraid that Katara had found out from Sasuke.]

He's right about that. [If he overheard Itachi and his brother, that would've been around the same time, he's sure.] I didn't know he knew.

[Yet again - talents wasted on piracy. That guy should've been a ninja. Had Shikamaru known how much Law had found out, though, he would've talked to him about it. Or at the very least, told him more about Sasuke.]

Edited 2011-09-19 01:20 (UTC)

[So he did know. And it is true. She looks down for a moment. How could you support a place like this?

She looks back up.]

Are you all right?

Edited 2011-09-19 01:48 (UTC)

[I should be asking you that.]

No. [Blunt honesty, though he refuses to make it more than what it is.] But I'm dealing with it.

All right. [Fair enough. She can try to go on, then. And she looks down again, brow furrowed.]

I'm trying to understand. There's so much about your world that I don't understand. And knowing this - makes me responsible for it too, who I tell and who I don't and how I act towards him and... the rest of you.

[Her hands clench into fists at her sides, to stave off the pain that comes with that admission. If it wasn't just Itachi. If they were all capable of killing their families at their village's word. If that was Just the Way Things Were...]

[So let's just deal with that first. She looks back up at him to say, as best she can, what's been going through her soul since she found out.]

I don't think that you, or Chouji, or anyone else that I've met from your village would be okay with that kind of order - with it being given or with carrying it out. I don't think that you'd want to train and risk your lives to protect something like that. But I've been wrong before - I've been really wrong before. And I've paid for it. And so have people I care about. And a lot of innocent people too.

[That village might have escaped with their lives. But the loss of a home isn't so insignificant that Katara can pass it off.

I don't want to be wrong again.]

That's why I need to understand.

[He's glad she understands the severity of this, though she wishes she wouldn't lump him and all of Konoha in with people like Itachi.

Could he do what Itachi had to? Or any of his friends? It's a question he's asked himself several times, and he's still not sure of the answer.]

We wouldn't... [Not among ourselves.] Whether we went through with it or not would depend a lot on the situation.

[He opens his mouth, closes it, then starts again.] Before I say anything else - I know you're confused. And I'm sorry. I know this has to have been tough for you.

[She's been burned before - that's clear now. And she's clearly had to deal with this for a while, but-]

But there's some things I'm not gonna be able to explain to you. I don't know all the details myself, and I wasn't supposed to find out what I did.

If that's not okay with you... then we're better off if I don't say anything at all.

['Whether we went through with it or not would depend a lot on the situation.'

On the situation? What kind of situation makes it ever okay to kill innocent people, to kill children, to kill family? There is nothing that hides her horror when he says that. She pales, her eyes widen, and she shrinks back - not out of fear, but as a coil, as the first step to springing forward.

Her life was ruined by men who didn't care about who they killed. Her village destroyed, again and again, by men who were just following orders.

She feels sick. She hadn't wanted to believe it. But why would he even admit to thinking about doing something this horrible if it wasn't a normal, viable option in his world? She gapes at him for a moment, abject shock and hurt horror on her face.]

You're sorry? You're telling me I'm wrong. You're telling me that if the situation were right, you'd do it - that this is something normal for you?

[It's like when Sigmund told her he'd killed Capell as a child. Except she hadn't been as close to Sigmund. It hadn't hurt nearly as much. It feels like someone had driven ice spikes into her heart and started to squeeze them together - why did she even try to be friends with people at all, if these were the kind of people she picked?

She forces herself to stop there, and it's an effort of will. She wants to fling out further accusations, but please, let him have misspoke, let her have misunderstood.]

[Don't snap at him - he'll snap right back, but his anger burns cold.]

It's not normal. There's no situation imaginable where it would ever be fucking normal.

[Katara's afraid all the time. Did you know that? She's almost always afraid.

And it never stops her.

If she needs to snap at him, she will, and no amount of cold anger would stop her. But as it is, when he says that, the tension slumps out of her coil with relief.]

Then what would ever make you go through with it?

[Why would you even say that you would?]

[And he's still wound tight. It keeps him quiet for a while, rethinking a situation he's wondered at several times before.

Finally:]

I don't know if I could. [He simultaneously feels both validated and guilty for saying that.] Not unless there was proof that every single person was involved in something that would make it necessary.

My duty comes to my village first, though. If my father and my mother and my cousins or anyone in my family were putting Konoha at risk, and I was told to kill them, I would do it. [He has to take a pause, to keep his voice even.] I love them all, but if I had proof for every single last one of them - undeniable proof...

Edited 2011-09-19 05:05 (UTC)

I would do it. I can't put their lives ahead of so many others.

[That's what it would take. His fingers ghost over his forehead briefly before he adds something on, quieter.]

It doesn't matter, anyways. They never would.

[Katara closes her eyes in pain.

Proof. Is that all he'd need? Proof shown to him by someone else, proof that could be falsified -

- no, she's not being fair, is she? He'd look into it himself. She has to believe that she knows him that well at least -

- does she? Does she have to believe it? In his world, his shadow techniques were normal, Ino's mind-and-body swapping techniques were normal, and Shino turned his body into a feeding ground for thousands of bugs. He was smart, impossibly brilliant, and she'd long-since learned how easily strategists can view others as pieces, and not as human beings, or as friends. She'd been so wrong before...

I can't let fear determine who I'll trust.

A handful of heartbeats later, as Katara reviews their every interaction. If she's wrong about him, then she hasn't just trusted him with her own secrets - she's trusted him with her friends', with combat information on all the people she's observed...

And that's possible. It's possible that she's wrong. She stares that possibility straight in the face for a long moment, inspects it from every angle... and then dismisses it.

There's just no reason to believe it. If he wanted to lie to her, surely he'd lie to her now, say something a little more palatable, instead of the honest soul-searching she'd just witnessed.

...that doesn't make it any less horrible.]

I'm sorry, Shikamaru.

Don't know what you have to be sorry for.

[There's a beat, and then he finally looks back at her again. He doesn't know... so she should explain that.

It's hard to pin her mindset on this - mostly because he doesn't think she's made up what to do about it in the first place. She has obvious issues with this: her fears, her trust in him, her own moral code.

But the real gray area is the truth about Itachi, and what she plans to do with it. If worse comes to worse, that has to be his biggest concern right now.

He's sorry it can't be their friendship, because that's what he wants it to be.]

[Yes, well, her eyes are still closed, and she misses your nonverbal request for an explanation. How could she explain, anyway? What part would she pick? The part where she's sorry she had to ask you to consider that, or the part where the place you've grown up as honed you into such a horrible weapon that it's something you actually have to consider, or even the part where she is just really, really tired of doubting you? She hardly knew why she said it anyway.

She opens her eyes and turns one hand up in a sort of helpless motion.]

I'm sorry because... if you are who I think you are you just saw that and because... because that's not a war, or even a trial, or any sort of... imprisonment. Even if there was proof, I... don't see why it would have to be done that way. And even if I could see it...

[her voice trails off for a long moment there, and she wonders - is she doing more harm than good, talking like this? this is horrible. if he is who she thinks he is... then he's hurting and she doesn't want that.] ...I think it's inexcusable to order that it be done by someone of the same family.

[If she's wrong, then...

Heh, she already knows what Sokka would tell her to do.]

Mm. [He nods, quiet. He's suddenly not at all in the mood to do this; his head is beginning to ache and he just wants to go home and lie down. He's tired of thinking about this.]

It's not fair, but the hardest things to do usually are.

...and this is the part I mentioned before. [Except he doesn't know if she actually heard him.] There's a lot about this situation that I just can't talk to you about, Katara.

[It's a shame. He doesn't know a lot, but there's things he could say that would make this whole thing so much easier. It's not a strict denial, though.]

The circumstances, the reasons; why they asked him and why he went through with it. I don't even know the whole story, but it was never something I was meant to hear to begin with.

[I didn't say anything about 'fair.'

Inexcusable was so beyond unfair. Inexcusable was reason enough to go to war. Inexcusable was something that, if it had shown up on her shores, she would have stopped, any way she had to.

And now he's hiding behind more secrets.

And she wonders if he's told anyone else, if they all know now, or if he's kept this all to himself.]

...can you tell me why you can't tell me?

There's a lot of reasons. If I had to narrow it down...

For starters, Itachi didn't want people to know. I'm going to respect that. [He's given up a lot already - it was the least he could do.] He's a grown man, and if that's how he wants people to see him, that's his business.

But more than that - and I've given it some thought - it just doesn't make sense to. Knowing will just make things troublesome, and could cause you a lot of grief while you're here. The less you, or anyone knows, the better off you'll be.

Edited 2011-09-20 13:50 (UTC)

[She considers this. Pauses a moment. And then considers this again.]

You spoke to him, then.

[Another, slow nod.]

At the time, it was the only way to confirm if it was the truth.

[She looks down for a long moment, her face clouded. When she speaks, at first her voice is uncharacteristically quiet.]

I'm trying to understand.

[And next her words are almost formal, removed. As if she is trying to distance herself from the equation and all involved in it... or as if she'd spent much of the day saying this same thing.]

I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me what you can.

[She needs to be more specific than that. But at the same time, he doesn't want to press her.]

I can tell you this happened a long time ago. For me, it's been nearly ten years. Back home, most of the people involved in the decision are dead, not that there were many of them.

[It's not something widely known.]

[Ten years doesn't seem all that long ago when measured up to some other things... but for all of those people making that decision to die, something must have happened to them...]

...that's all you can tell me?

Does it really sound like so little? [It's a sincere question. Just think on it.] I've told you before, how big my village is.

[He has more family members than she had neighbors, growing up. His village is the most heavily populated out off all the shinobi villages.]

There couldn't have been more than a handful of people involved, for this to have stayed a secret the whole time. Do you think they'd bother, if they thought the village would accept what they did?

[She told him she was trying to understand. From her reaction to how he admitted he would have to seriously consider such an order, he can tell part of what she's trying to understand is his home, and the mindset of his people.

He told her this wasn't normal. He meant that for everyone, not just him.]

[She frowns at that. Was it possible that Shikamaru just didn't know this part? Or was he trying to lead her to what he thought was the right conclusion without telling her the whole truth?]

They would if they wanted to keep using him. He wouldn't have made much of a double-agent if everyone had known what he'd done.

[The fact that Itachi'd been willing to do this for their village, willing to do this and then still loyal to them to the point of joining another organization and betraying them for the village was one which was equally disturbing.

She knew that their village used mind-controlling techniques.

She wasn't sure of the extent of them. Joo Di had been extremely loyal.

She wasn't sure 'loyalty' was the right term. It still seemed more like insanity to her.

But at least - at least she thinks if anyone had done anything like this to Shikamaru or Chouji, she would have picked it up one of the times she was healing them. Their chi patterns had seemed normal, not blocked or pinched like when Jet had been under Dai Li influence.]

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