[ Action, Some Journal ] BACKDATED to the 11th .059

[markofthebrave]

[On April 9th, Katara had been told that she was an "error," and doomed to die by a boy with the face of the man she loved. As you can imagine, the rest of the day was not spent cheerfully; rather after wandering about for some time, Katara returned home to make dinner and then quietly excused herself to write some letters, and then bend into the early morning hours.

On April 10th, the sun rose on a Katara who was entirely herself, and the sudden onslaught of memories drove her to her knees. In the early hours of the morning, she wept beside the river, feeling inside out and torn apart and lost... eventually she returned to her room in order to sleep the sleep of the deeply exhausted.

She did not wake until April 11th. This was another slow day, where she read the letters her other self had written and decided not to give them out, ended up seeking some unlikely advice, and generally stuck to her schedule, feeling... strange.

But today? Today she woke up feeling a little more like herself. It was a Thursday, which meant meeting Nami for bo practice after school (which she... finally got back to attending, sorry Professor) and then made dinner. She may glance through the journal a bit more than normal; she may even contemplate attempting to contact someone, and... eventually, she does make two locked posts:]

[Written | Private to Robin]
Hey. I know you'll probably say you're fine, but I just wanted to ask how you were doing.

[Voice | Private to Wolfwood]
Do you have a minute?

[Later that evening, she'll be practicing by the river, under the light of a waning moon.]

Comments

[markofthebrave]

This was going to get into one of those couple things that she really didn't need to know if she asked about it, wasn't it. Oh well.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

An open door was different than a direct inquiry.

[herotypical]

Actually, things were going to get a little more...esoteric. The couple things were even more deeply buried than this.

"I guess -- uhm, I guess it doesn't matter that she didn't really really hurt anyone. What matters is that she wanted to. I wanted to. In ways I've never...the violence has always been a part of the job, before. Not a way of life. Or I've tried to make it that way..."

[markofthebrave]

"You mean... the difference was between fighting against the bad guys and just fighting to get what you want was blurred - when you were her. And now you feel responsible for it."

And dirty too, probably.

[herotypical]

"It's like this. Me? I don't like guns. Pistols, hand-guns, AKs. Hate'em all. They never help. She, though...oh -- there was a lot of pistol-waving. A lot. At people I care about. And the trigger was never pulled but...

But it's bad enough being on the other end of that barrel even before a trigger's pulled."

So, yes. Responsible.

[markofthebrave]

Katara leaned forward on her elbows, "Buffy, you've been here longer than I have. And I know some things stick with you more than others, but the important part here is that while she might have waved the gun around? No one was hurt. If you're going to try to take responsibility for what she did, that's one thing - it's not a true thing, but I can understand it."

Oh boy, can she understand it.

"But if you're going to take responsibility for what she could have done too, then you're taking on too much."

[herotypical]

Captain Annie Summers had been too close, in some ways, to Faith. And all her anxieties about becoming the bad Slayer had been exacerbated. That careful line every Slayer had to walk...it wasn't even the Shift that was the problem. It was the chilling reminder of what her power and confidence could achieve if misapplied.

And Buffy liked guilt. O-or...not liked. Expected it, at least. She eagerly welcomed the weight of many worlds on her shoulders. Things were, paradoxically, more comfortable like that. Her shoulders were strong; she could survive it.

"It smacks of the cautionary tale, doesn't it? Jack used to always talk about what a great pirate I'd make. Or how great I'd be, in his world. And then I go there and then I...talk about having to be careful about what you wish for."

[markofthebrave]

Typically for Katara, she went without flinching where angels may fear to tread.

"You're wrong if you're looking at that like that's something you'd do."

She shook her head. "She didn't have your experiences, or your struggles. I believe that the choices we make once we're in Luceti are our own choices - or at least that version of us - but how are we supposed to know how those versions of us are formed? She might have had your strength, your intelligence, and your determination, but she didn't have the strength of your heart - all the people that you love, everything that's made you who you are - she didn't have any of that. And it's the strength of our hearts that makes us who we are."

1/2

[herotypical]

"But there've been times when..."

Spike, mostly. But also with Jack. Times when she was that cruel, cold person. Times when she'd sucked the love out of another person to satisfy her own hollow feelings and doing very little out of love. Times she hated herself for -- then and now. Hoarse-voiced and telling Spike that she was the monster for using him.

And then he...

Buffy swallowed, hard.

2/2

[herotypical]

"Thanks, Katara."

The strength of our hearts. Be brave, live. "Normally? I shrug these things off a lot easier than this. Just...extra spun, this time. I guess."

[markofthebrave]

Katara smoothed down her hair in an uncharacteristic gesture. "Yeah, I know what you mean. Sometimes these things cut too close."

[herotypical]

"And I'm a little more used to being the one running around keeping the Shifted kids from hurting themselves on their shiny new fake memories. Usually, I'm...in the unaffected camp."

A half-shrug.

[markofthebrave]

Ah. That makes even more sense. "I've... gone through this sort of thing a lot. The first time was the worst. Well, that and Luceti Valley.

"It's really important to remember who you are, and that you're not the same as that other person. But it's also important to acknowledge that the memories are part of you now. You don't have to try to cut them out - it's part of you, but it's not you."

[herotypical]

The Slayer's voice shook is an absolutely uncharacteristic way: "M-memories. They're...it's just that they're more important than they seem. What they are. What they make up. This sorta thing...happens now and then. Back home.

New memories."

[markofthebrave]

...so this was something which had happened to Buffy before Luceti. That was... hellish.

"It does?"

[herotypical]

"A-and it's not...always terrible."

[markofthebrave]

Katara tilted her head in inquiry.

[herotypical]

"My...sister was here. For a while. Dawn. Dawn Summers." Duh. "But she wasn't always my sister..."

[markofthebrave]

She blinked. "What do you mean?"

[herotypical]

"It's kind of complicated -- you'll have to bear with me. And try and just follow along. Interrupt me if it gets too kooky, okay?"

Buffy, too, leaned forward on her elbows. "My sister -- she...didn't always exist. Not as she does now. A group of monks had a very important...something. And they needed that something safe. So they gave it human form. And they gave that human form to the Slayer in a way that ensured she couldn't not protect that something. They made me a sister. And they made memories, too."

[markofthebrave]

Katara's brow furrowed. Her instinctive response was - that's terrible - and it was. But... "You didn't have any other brothers or sisters?"

[herotypical]

"No. I guess...I guess I was an only child? Not that I remember it like that. The new memories completely overwrote what reality used to be, I guess."

[markofthebrave]

"...wow, that's... horrifying."

[herotypical]

Softly: "It's hard to be horrified when..." How to put this delicately? "Dawn's real. Flesh and blood. Human. An innocent in all of it. She didn't even know who she was, at first. And now? It doesn't even matter. A-and all I knew, when I learned, was that I love her. And she's precious to me. And if most of her existence is only memories then I can...then I can be okay with that."

[markofthebrave]

She disagreed. It might be okay, but it was still horrible. So for now, she just nodded.

[herotypical]

"If you wanna get real existential about it all...? Well, how do any of us exist in the past except in memories. Right?"