markofthebrave | [ Action, Voice ] .060

[ Action, Voice ] .060

[Katara hadn't been sleeping well to begin with, the moon was full and bright and her blood was restless - at least, that was her excuse. The truth of the matter was that ever since Masaomi, and then Aang had confessed, she hadn't known peace. It was manifesting in shallow sleep, in more determined than genuine cheer. So when the moon woke her - it was so bright tonight, like one of Luceti's streetlights - she tossed and turned futilely before getting up.

She dressed quietly, making sure to take the 'holy water' waterskin, and walked along the river. Though the way she was feeling, the holy water would be the last recourse if confronted with the vampire. She felt like unleashing the full power of the river on something. Her neck prickled, restless, tense, practically itching for the excuse to focus all her agitation into a fight, a sanctified, no holds barred clash of water and strength and agility, a focus, a clarity so that she wouldn't have to worry about her torn heart, or the hearts of those she loved anymore.

She'd go on a mission, if she thought it would help. But she didn't want to have to kill anyone. And Aang was here. ...and she especially didn't want to have to kill anyone while Aang was here.

Eventually, she reached the Southern Lake and stood, staring at the moon and its reflection for long moments. The serenity of the scene failed to soothe her and with a loud "HAH!" she shifted form and tore a burst of water straight through the surface of the lake until it towered as high as the trees before she abruptly pulled it back and up, catching it before it crested the edge of the lake and turning the raised water into a thousand smaller drops.

She felt a little better, until she noticed all the lakeside creatures she'd stirred to life with her childish display. Lightly ashamed of herself, she moved to sit by one of the slides she and the first Toph had constructed, contenting herself with shattering the lake's serenity with a handful of pebbles every now and again.]

[After a late night out, Katara slept in to nearly noon this Saturday... morningish. It felt good. She didn't have a shift in the Med Lab today, so today was a day for... errands. Study and maybe some time on the koto and running into town to make sure she had as much as she needed for dinner, but... she also had time to address the journal, if she wanted.]

Hey, Luceti - it's a lazy sort of Saturday. Now's a good time to share some famous stories from our worlds, don't you think? Does anyone know any famous adventures? ...or love stories?

[What is love? Baby don't hurt me...]

I know a pretty good one. It takes place in the Earth Kingdom, a long time ago, before there were earthbenders...

[She'll just leave that there, not wanting to spam in case of a lack of interest.

Of course, the chances are also good that one of her housemates or friends may decide to claim her attention for something else entirely. So if anyone wants to do that, or bump into her as she runs to the grocery store, or spy on her while she's playing music, this is a lazy Saturday, come as you are sort of deal.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Sounds like something for a poem. Put it on the back burner, just in case you find a word that rhymes with miserable.

[He'll return that with a small smile; he's not really serious.]

But I'm sure you can find a way to say it better.

[She sobers.]

It would mean the same thing. [And she takes the pebble in her hand and flicks it into the lake, waiting for the soft plop before she continues.]

They're not stupid. They'd know what I was getting at and... what's the point? It still wouldn't change anything. Why should I make them feel guilty about their feelings? Aang is amazing, and Masaomi is perceptive and loyal, and they've both been hurt so much before... it's bad enough that I can't return their feelings, I'm not going to make them see that they're hurting me too.

You're underestimating their strength. You wear your pain on your sleeves, woman.

[He illustrates this by letting the hand on her shoulder fall down to her elbow, tugging the sleeve once.]

You said it yourself: they're not stupid.

[She frowns at the thought that they'd see it anyway, but essentially dismisses it. He can make that claim because he caught her out here nearly splitting the lake under the full moon. She can bear it. She has to.]

This isn't about their strength. It's about mine. It's about whether or not I'm going to choose to protect them. It's about doing the closest thing to what's right by them that I can see.

[She shakes her head.]

And even if I agreed with you, I still don't see the good it would do. It's not like they can just shut it off.

Like how you can shut what you feel off. Yes, I see how nothing wrong can come of that.

No, I didn't say that I was doing that. But there's a difference between feeling a certain way and sharing that feeling with other people.

[She worked for years to fill her mother's shoes, going from day to day without ever letting on how the little things killed her... until the next moment when she fell apart. But at least those were isolated incidents. This... wouldn't be.]

And you're still not telling me what possible benefit telling them this would have.

You did hear me say that not knowing is bothering them more, didn't you? That wasn't a theory.

[Not for Masaomi, at least.]

The better question is how you think this would benefit them.

It's not my place to tell them another person's private feelings towards me.

[This... may or may not be an excuse.]

And I'm pretty sure protecting someone from pain is a benefit in and of itself. And anything I tell Masaomi he'll just try to build into a bridge to reach me and Aang... like I said, he's not trying to make me see him like that. So it doesn't matter.

[...]

Katara. Sometimes we need pain to remind us of what's important.

[...]

Maybe. But I'm pretty sure that there's no shortage of pain here, or in either one of their lives. Someone has to say "enough."

Everything else is irrelevant to this.

[He makes a dismissive hand motion. Not that it matters. Katara is Katara, and she'll bring it back up if she wants.]

I can't tell you the best method for working with Aang, but that's a realization Masaomi needs to come to himself. If he's going to grow up, you can't handle him with kid gloves. Your kindness is better served when that's all said and done.

You're wrong. Nothing exists in isolation. [A dry chuckle. One hand reaches down to pass over the ground with her fingertips.] Everything is connected.

[She glances back at him.]

If you want me to do something against my better judgement, then you'd better tell me how that will help them, not me. This isn't about making me feel better. I can't think of a single reason why telling them about each other would be a good idea.

[Let alone how trapped and hurting the way they feel for her makes her feel.]

[He runs a hand through the top of his hair, the only visible sign of his irritation.

Then you'd better tell me how that will help them, not me.

Was she not listening to a thing he said just now? Does he really have to spell it out so precisely?]

Edited 2012-05-13 02:36 (UTC)

[She lets the silence run on before she speaks.]

You see, it really doesn't matter. Nothing I say is going to change anything about how I feel. And if I thought it would get them to just see me as a friend, I'd do it, but... they've both made it pretty clear that's not an option. Letting them know how upset this is making me accomplishes nothing.

That wasn't me agreeing with your foolish point, Katara.

[That was me taking the time to figure out what to say to get through to you.]

Excuse me?

I know what you want to hear. That this is the right thing to do, that you should ignore how you feel because it won't change anything because it's more important to put their best interests at heart.

Okay. [He draws up a knee, and the motion shifts the dirt just enough to knock the pebble tower over. He pays it not mind.] That's off the table. But I still can't say any of that. Their best interests? I said it before in less words, but that's neither possible, nor true.

[This is offensive to Katara on a number of levels. First of all, the summary lack of faith in her ability to carry through on her plan. 'Wear her emotions on her sleeve' - she can only imagine how that makes her seem to him. Secondly, the complete dismissal of her judgement 'nor true' without as of yet offering her a single reason for it. And thirdly, the way he said 'right thing to do,' as if such a goal were... childish and naive. That stings like a slap most of all.]

I heard what you said. You said you don't think it's possible for me to hide what's going on with me, and you said that telling them how miserable I am would be somehow good for them. That doesn't mean I agree with you.

[She frowns.]

And you don't know what I want to hear. You think I started talking to you about this for some kind of validation?

[Why on earth would she do that?]

Definitely not.

[No opinion matters but you're own, right? She would continue to let herself stay miserable like this if everyone else would let her.]

But you wanted this discussion off of you. Let's talk about why it'd be a mistake to hide this from Aang and Masaomi. Or have you changed your mind?

I'm listening.

[Progress. He breathes.]

Aang's loved you for a long time, you said.

...that's what he said.

["--everything I love most about the world in one person."]

There's no reason to doubt him. But it's clear he sat on those feeling for some time. Probably because he loves you as much as a friend.

He's coming from a time when you two are closer than ever. That he's not pushing things speaks of how important your thoughts are to him.

You can't change his feelings, sure, but if there's anything you can do for him, it's that. That's not leading him on, that's showing you still trust him as a precious friend.

[Just how many friends do you think she'd tell stuff like this to, anyway?

And leading him on - ouch. First Sokka, now Shikamaru. Is that really what they thought of her?]

I already spoke with him about his feelings. He told me when I was... in error. So I asked him if we could speak about it and... we did. I told him I didn't feel ths same way and asked if we could start from the beginning again - just get to know each other again - as friends. He agreed.

[Pause a half of a beat.]

I'm not leading anyone on.

I think I said the opposite of that. That's what you're trying to avoid, isn't it? I know that one hundred percent.

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